Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Victoria Jackson's Day

What's Victoria Jackson up to?
I was browsing in a Burbank gift shop yesterday and I asked the store owner how business was doing. She smiled, “Well, you know, hit and miss. I’m sure it will be better soon.” The store was empty.

I apologized for not buying anything. “I’m sorry, but my husband now cringes when I order a Hazelnut Iced Coffee at McDonald’s, so I can’t really buy anything.”

Her smile hardened.

“You know, I’ve been speaking at Tea Parties lately. No one seems to know or care that our country just turned Socialist.”

She stared at me like a deer caught in head lights.

I continued, “I don’t like politics, but we have to do something. I’m writing to my Congressmen and Senators now.”

Her teenage assistants with no customers had frozen smiles and frozen bodies.

“Did you know Obama uses our tax payer dollars to pay for abortions?”

She shook her head no.

“He even supports killing 9 month old babies, in the womb.”

She became a ceramic knick knack.

I continued, “It’s called ‘late-term abortion’. Now he’s going to kill sick people and old people. Did you know that Cap & Trade will allow the government to regulate how long we take a shower? And that the “New Health Plan”, happy, happy, will allow the government to decide who lives and who dies?”

Crickets. Dead crickets.

As I opened the door to leave, she shook herself into reality and said, “Thank you and come again.”

The bell jingled as the door shut.
The future looks good for Victoria as she'll probably be able to afford a custom shopping cart and many many cats.

In any case, she'll be happy:
I got into my fuel efficient economy car, with the leopard seat covers, and the bumper that used to have the “I RESIST SOCIALISM” bumper sticker, until it got smashed, and I drove away thinking, “Ignorance is Bliss.”
This makes me laugh in a surprisingly untroubled way:

I just can't see it as anything but silliness.


Another Kiwi said...

The owners of the store will be ordering one of those "Stand-On" security buttons tomorrow.
Will future editions of Jacksons slice of life writing have titles such as "Things I yelled at people in the street today", "Messages from my fillings" and "Top 10 dumpsters in my town"?

tigris said...

Jesus, if you're going to go in and nutty up the joint so bad the staff start trying to figure out crazy lady contingency plans at least have the decency to BUY something.

J— said...

Somebody was impressed.

Righteous Bubba said...

Heh. If he got his wish he'd better be worried about being called Hitler when the toilet seat's up.

herr doktor bimler said...

Multiple Cat Syndrome is NO LAUGHING MATTER.

Another Kiwi said...

Ooh that fanboy is funny. Late night Teevee eh, sir? What were the tissues for?

mikey said...

Confused, paranoid and utterly non-sequitor is no way to go through life.

Did you know I have earthworms in my shoes?

Don't your realize that Dolphins have small jet planes to fly around in?

Your sweater is laughing at me.

tigris said...

"Murdering babies is called Pro-Choice. Unfair Censorship is called The Fairness Doctrine. Outlandish Taxes and the Death of Freedom is called Cap & Trade. Sounds like Fish & Chips. You gotta figure out the trick."

Oooh, can we play, too? Torturing People to Death is called Enhanced Interrogation! Allowing Millions of Tons More Pollutants into to air is called Clear Skies(Republicans: for cap-and-trade programs before they were against them)! Allowing More Logging of Old Growth Trees is called Healthy Forests!

We could do this all day, lady, you guys fucking perfected doublespeak, but captcha warns me against too much stess in my life.

Caliph Garrett said...

Awkward discussions about politics are so much simpler when reduced to a series of bumper sticker slogans dictated to a captive audience.

Come to think of it, it was probably the largest crowd Ms. Jackson has entertained in some time.

Capcha wants a bathenal. Kinky, but the missus don't allow us to drink alcohol in the Jacuzzi.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

She stared at me like a deer caught in head lights.
Like a sane person caught by the crazy train.

Righteous Bubba said...


mikey said...

Oooohh. I missed the most interesting part.

The part where the shopkeeper "became a ceramic knick-knack".

Let's face it, that is NOT something you see every day. Oh sure, if she had become a bowling ball, or a tassel loafer, or even six foot 2x4, then hey, no surprises. But good golly. A ceramic knick-knack? That's just bizarre...

J said...

Many fading celebrities and comedians work up a "rage against liberals" schtick, featuring the usual targets--. Dennis Miller sort of ran with that for a while, didn't he. Or Shatner.

The liberal sorts of entertainers do it as well--the Garofalo school. Garofalo's a bit smarter (certainly more so than Jackson--or Hannity), but about as tasteless. Bumper-Stickerism either way.

Hannity's a punk, that's for sure. I used to sort of respect his bravado, until he started into "let's bomb X" (iran, NK, china, etc), or his apologies for Bushco, Wall st. , etc.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

oh, come on people.

This certainly falls into the David Brooks "imaginary conversations I would have had with ordinary people, if I didn't have to go get my toes waxed."

Being a creative type, miss Jackson invented a shopkeeper, rather than a cab driver.

I can't blame her for that. Imaginary friends are a solace sometimes. Just don't let them drive.

Rusty Shackleford said...

I cringe when someone orders a Hazelnut Iced Coffee at McDonald's too.

Another Kiwi said...

Out here on the edge of teh empire, I doubt that they have such coffee.
Maccas make their coffee from dried Turnips here, so there's no point in putting Hansel nuts on them (poor Hansel)

I'm feeling a bit mingbmic about it

Rusty Shackleblart said...

Dude, I looked at a map. New Zealand is FAR.

Capcha recommends the sucktini. I think it's vodka, vermouth, and Hazelnut Iced Coffee from McD's.

herr doktor bimler said...

Imaginary friends are a solace sometimes. Just don't let them drive.

Clearly ZRM has never tried to confiscate car-keys from an imaginary friend who has drunk too much. Would you believe it, the bartender sided against me. Last time I stage an intervention.

mikey said...

Hell, you guys are lucky.

My imaginary friends won't let ME drive. And they always try to avoid the freeway.


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

mikey's imaginary friends have gone drinking with my imaginary friends....

Another Kiwi said...

Last time I stage an intervention.

The Marat/Sade intervention?? Not a good tune in the whole thing.

fish said...

Okay, the sucktini is hilarious.