Friday, March 06, 2009

Your Redemption Within Reach

Burt Prelutsky has decided that since liberals lost the election they need to shape up. To this end he has constructed a comprehensive 12 Step Program.
First, though, they have to acknowledge that Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, John Murtha, Dick Durbin, Charles Rangel, Harry Reid and Charles Schumer, are not moderates, but, rather, leftists with a Socialist agenda.
Okay, there's Step One. Because it is First. Right?

WRONG.
Furthermore, they must recognize that the New York Times, the Washington Post, the L.A. Times, CNN, the three major networks, the news magazines and the New Yorker, are not objective in their reporting of political events, and neither are Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann and Bill Maher, in their commentary.
This last is surely Step One, you would say to yourself if you were not a hippie anarchist. Yet this fantasy you who pays close attention to Burt Prelutsky is somehow also wrong.
Step #1: It is high time that every American be guaranteed the right to speak freely. It is not reserved solely for left-wing college students who wish to take advantage of the first amendment to shout down conservatives. At the same time, they must not construe the conservative’s right to dismiss them as arrogant idiots as censorship.
Faked out! Not Step One but Step #1 because you need to see that little number sign to warn you that A Digit Approacheth, Stupid! In any case free speech is NOT ABOUT SPEAKING FREELY. No construing neither.
Step #2: Affirmative action argues that African Americans and Latinos are intellectually inferior and are unable to compete academically unless other students are handicapped because of their race.
At this Second or Fourth Step you might well wonder "Are these really steps? Actual twelve-step programs give direction and aren't just a list of things that the program head is cranky about." Someone is construing and should shut up and watch this drive.
Step #3: Liberals always claim to be in favor of higher taxes, agreeing with Bill Clinton that the government invariably spends money more wisely than those who actually earn it.
Ha ha! Burt's got my number! My number three or five. Mind you, Mr. Breitbart is blowing money on Big Hollywood whereas the government could be funding exciting new research and pornography.
Step #4: Even the most secular of liberals seems to believe that Jimmy Carter is a saint.
This cult must be eradicated. Without a strong belief in St. Carter no liberal could enact COMMUNISM.
Step #5: Stop insisting that all wars are bad.
Attention liberals: all wars are now stinky. Moving on.
Step #6: Repeat after me, “Separation of church and state” exists nowhere in the Constitution.
Well, here we have another actual instruction you may follow. Our Step Count is therefore 6 or 8 or 4 or maybe 5, depending. Burt knows enough to KEEP LIBERALS GUESSING.
Step #7: Stop using the word “big” as a pejorative.
YES! STOP THAT LIBERALS!
On the other hand, big government, which so many liberals simply adore, represents a usurpation of the allegedly inalienable rights of individuals.
ONLY CONSERVATIVES MAY USE "BIG" PEJORATIVELY!

Free speech: complex issue or SHUT UP?
Step #8: Acknowledge that the United Nations is, in the main, an aggregation of venal diplomats who live high off the hog in New York City while representing the most corrupt and vicious regimes in the history of the world.
The Maltese may be lying low, but soon the rivers will RUN BROWN WITH MALTEDS!
Step #9: Do not keep insisting that at a time when nearly all the large scale evil in the world is being perpetrated by Muslims that racial profiling is anything but a sensible approach to airport security.
Please ignore the pale Yalies.
Step #10: Stop trying to pretend that illegal aliens are the same as legal immigrants just so you can claim the moral high ground and accuse those of us who are opposed to open borders of being racists.
Who wants the moral high ground anyway? NICE PEOPLE?
Step #11: Once and for all, stop forgiving murderers.
Everyone enjoys a nice smoke after forgiving a murderer, but some of you people are up to two packs a day.
Step #12: Stop bashing the U.S. military and the Boy Scouts.
Free speech: SHUT UP or SHUT UP?
The only reason you have the ability to shoot your mouth off is because men and women braver and better than you sacrificed life and limb for your right to do so.
Anyone who mentions the ACLU will BE GIVEN AN ADDITIONAL STEP.
Step #13: Let us all agree that while being a woman, a black, a Jew, a Catholic, a Mormon or even a gay, for that matter, should in no way preclude anyone from being elected president of the United States, none of those things constitutes a very good reason to vote for someone.
Way to go, smartass. He had to go to EVEN A GAY.

21 comments:

herr doktor bimler said...

The Maltese may be laying low
Hmm, Maltese akvavit.

herr doktor bimler said...

The only reason you have the ability to shoot your mouth off is because boy scouts braver and better than you sacrificed life and limb for your right to do so.

Actually "shooting your mouth off" is the reason why suicidal thoughts, shotguns and stupidity are such a bad combination.

Another Kiwi said...

I like the way that Burp construes a whole pile of Horse shit into a whole pile of Horse shit. That is not a talent that is given to everyone.
Then he rubs it in his hair though and that's gross.

J— said...

Is "big money" okay? Like saying "big money's what I make when I shoot my mouth off."

Righteous Bubba said...

The only reason you have the ability to shoot your mouth off is because boy scouts braver and better than you sacrificed life and limb for your right to do so.

This explains the custom of preparing for a protest by tearing the head off a boy scout.

tigris said...

He left out the FIRST first step, which is to beat yourself in the head with a mallet until any of this makes sense. Try as I might, I just can't seem to get past JOHN MURTHA IS THE SOCIALEST!!!

Righteous Bubba said...

Come on! BLUE is the colour of international communism and DOGS run in PACKS just like liberals!

J Neo Marvin said...

I finally clicked the creepy little Burt on the top right corner of your site. I was not disappointed.

"Hi, My name is Burt Preposterous and I’m going to read from my new book: ‘Conservatives drive like THIS, and liberals drive like THIIIIS!'"

M. Bouffant said...

Oh, do not for a minute, even, discount the Maltese.

Blog pimpin' here.

Righteous Bubba said...

That guy probably makes the best malted in the world.

No wonder they're powerful.

Herr Doktor Bimler said...

Teh Knights of Malta? Meh. We need more conspiracy theories about the Knights of St. Lazarus.

Herr Doktor Bimler said...

Hmm, Maltese akvavit.
To avoid disappointment, I should warn readers that Malteser is actually made in Germany (in Buxtehude, if memory serves). Not to be confused with 'maltesers' the English confectionary, which are made from malt sugar and chocolate, and NOT from the blood of actual Maltese, so DON'T BE FOOLED.

tigris said...

I thought this was a Maltese Fullcan blog?

And Buxtehude always makes me think of organs... hotcha!

herr doktor bimler said...

Teh Great Gazoogle informs me that the
8th European Conference on Research Methodology for Business and Management Studies will be held in Valletta in June.

You could call that a Maltese FAIL-Con.

Righteous Bubba said...

You should go. You may require a visit to the Hospitallers.

Righteous Bubba said...

I thought this was a Maltese Fullcan blog?

It's gin-encrusted!

commie atheist said...

Ahem. I will now cut-n-paste my comment from Sadly, No! on this very subject (with monor modifications), because that's how I troll.

Somewhat shorter Burt (not Bert) Prelutsky:

Liberals suck. They need to acknowledge the following:

1. Conservative speech in America is censored.
2. Since we have a totally level playing field, the fact that blacks and hispanics can’t compete with whites means they are functionally retarded.
3. More taxes bad. Less taxes good. Liberals are hypocrites because they take all deductions the IRS allows.
4. Jimmy Carter - history’s greatest monster.
5. War is good.
6. Christ is the reason for the season.
7. Big Business good. Big Government bad.
8. U.S. out of the U.N.!
9. Muslims bad.
10. Mexicans bad.
11. Murderers bad: kill them! (bonus: Jimmy Carter, history’s Greatest Monster).
12. Homos bad, Boy Scouts and soldiers good.
13. You should only vote for someone of your own race or gender if you’re a straight, white male.

Apparently Burt passed away in 1983 and everything published under his name since then was actually written long ago and has been parcelled out in segments, kind of the way that Tupac has been putting out CDs.

commie atheist said...

monor=minor. Or maybe motor. Whatever works better.

I am hakerman!

Righteous Bubba said...

What did Jimmy Carter do to Burt? Peanuts under the dentures Getting to him?

Another Kiwi said...

Jimmy C was mean about the Israelis, thus he is the worst person evah. If it was up to Carter everyone would actually just get along and not enough people would be killed. It is obviously evil socialism.

Righteous Bubba said...

Makes me wish that Billy Carter had died in Rennes-le-Ch√Ęteau.